


Anarchivists

by elissanerdwriter



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Mid-season 3, Water Cooler Talk, also "how much can I get Tim to relax even though it's the middle of season 3", return to "how much can I talk about Sasha without Sasha actually being present", your boss tells you to commit a crime for research wyd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22338865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elissanerdwriter/pseuds/elissanerdwriter
Summary: Your shady boss asks you to commit a minor/major crime for "research purposes." What do you do?Melanie is righteously outraged. Tim reminisces (slightly bitterly). Martin is nostalgic (slightly forcefully). Jon is kind of oblivious, but hey, he's got a lot going on.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 129
Collections: The Fluff Archives





	Anarchivists

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely took the idea for this from a tumblr post I can't find now. Basically, why does Jon keep having his assistants do illegal things for fun & knowledge/profit?
> 
> Melanie can be forced to work at the Institute, and she will do her job, but that doesn't mean she has to like it. And she is VALID.

[SOMETIME AFTER MAG84, POSSESSIVE]

[DOOR SLAMS]

MARTIN

[YELPS] Oh, Melanie! Jesus, scared me a little there.

TIM

Hello. You’re looking furious.

MELANIE

He wants me to _BREAK IN_ to a _POLICE STATION_.

TIM

Huh. Must’ve decided I’d say no.

MARTIN

I mean you would’ve, wouldn’t you?

TIM

No, yeah, he was right. My… antipathy isn’t even the main reason I’m not doing “police outreach” anymore, almost got banned by the chief last time. Melanie wouldn’t have been my Plan B, though. He’s losing his deductive touch.

MELANIE

What— you’re just _okay_ with this?

MARTIN

Well… it’s not exactly the first time Jon’s asked one of us to do something…

MELANIE

_Illegal?_

MARTIN

Unorthodox.

MELANIE

[HYSTERICAL SNORT] Okay. Okay! Great. So not only am I trapped here—

TIM

Join the club.

MELANIE

—He also expects me to do dangerous, illegal things for what? Police reports for a random, useless statement? Is this how you’ve always run things around here? How do you not get _caught?_

MARTIN

Because we’re good at it!

MELANIE

Martin, you don’t even kill spiders, how do you get around with— I don’t know, trespassing? Breaking and entering? Arson?

MARTIN

Hey, the spiders are a moral choice! I just don’t like killing them, they’re helpful with flies and the like. And I’ll have you know that’s how the whole mess with Jane Prentiss started! Both spiders _and_ trespassing. ~~Oh my God, am I actually defending the trespassing?~~

TIM

He didn’t even ask you to break into that one. That was your own investigative mind. Too bad it ended in getting stalked by a sentient worm hive.

MARTIN

[SOFTER] Yeah, well, I didn’t end up worst off out of that one, did I.

TIM

To answer your other questions, it’s nothing new, getting asked to use… back doors to find info. Pretty sure Gertrude did it too, some, though probably not with the apparent lack of consideration for consequence Jon does. More a calculated disregard for the effects, if I got the sense of her right.

MELANIE

Sounds like Jon, at least.

TIM

Though I think, if my memory of your statements is correct, you haven’t been above illicit property searches in the past. Far from it, actually.

MELANIE

Okay, but I was basically self-employed and not exactly at my best. This place is a legitimate institution! It’s been around for ages!

MARTIN

Nearly two centuries. Pretty sure it’s been committing crimes the entire time, just barely under the radar.

TIM

The track records for both international artefact smuggling and employee disappearances would say so, yeah.

MELANIE

Jesus. Okay. Well, I guess Tim’s right, it’s not like I don’t have experience. Whatever gets the job done.

TIM

You could just… not. It’s not like he can fire you. I haven’t done more than a couple cursory Google and JSTOR searches in the past month. And my own research, I guess. Using Institute resources, on company time. Stole a stapler, too.

MELANIE

No, I’m gonna do it. Just gotta psych myself up.

MARTIN

Yeah, that’s my method too. Get the adrenaline pumping, do a few jumping jacks, and go find an unlocked window. You get used to it after a while.

MELANIE

What other stuff does he ask you to do? So I know what else to practice for in my spare time.

MARTIN

Well… there was the house with the spiders and Jane in the basement, obviously. A handful of other flats and workplaces I talked my way into. That’s usually to try to get corroborating follow-ups when the original statement-giver isn’t around. Um. Bit of phone impersonation, though that’s usually Tim’s deal.

TIM

Yeah. I was good at getting people to believe I’d _just forgotten my partner’s password, honest, but they wanted me to check before they got home…_ Apparently I sound sincere. More sincere than Jon, anyways.

[MELANIE SNORTS]

TIM

Don’t laugh. This is the voice of a trained actor.

MARTIN

Oh, please. You did AmDram, like, twice. I did more than you did.

TIM

Yeah, but you hated it.

MARTIN

Yes, I did.

TIM

And I took to it like a fish to water. Born for the stage. I was wasted in publishing.

MELANIE

I’m sure. Wouldn’t it be easier to get a lot of this stuff online, at this point? You can find a lot if you know where to look. A bit of database hacking beats physically breaking into a police station any day, if you ask me.

MARTIN

Are you speaking from experience, Ms King?

MELANIE

That’s none of your business, Mr Blackwood.

TIM

That was mostly Sasha’s area.

MELANIE

…Oh.

MARTIN

Though she pulled her weight when it came to other crimes, too. I seem to recall her doing a particularly impressive Scottish accent when she got caught in a secure office in Inverness. Said she was looking for her mum, needed to deliver some heart medication, and almost got them to let her stay until they checked and realized they didn’t have anyone under the name “Elvira Parsley.” Don’t remember how she got inside in the first place, though.

TIM

You know how I would’ve gotten in.

MARTIN

Yeah, I do, Tim. And I do not need you to recount it again. I know far too much about which front desk staff in the greater London area are _acquainted_ with you as it is.

MELANIE

Hang on. How exactly did you get banned from the police station?

MARTIN

Oh, God, here we go again.

TIM

[OVERLAPPING] _Almost_ . I said _almost_ banned.

MELANIE

Almost banned, then.

TIM

...Okay it was mostly Krista's fault. She's lovely, actually, but she's lonely and she always wants to talk longer than I should stick around, strictly speaking. Tony's much more sensible about how long a regular old coquettish negotiating should run, but he wasn't around that day and I was on a bit of a time crunch to get copies of the records, so I just had to roll with it. She's _lovely_ , but my God she had a _long_ story about her sister's cat? Something about it being half-feral and biting her dad while her sister was on holiday. I couldn’t exactly tell her I didn’t care.

MARTIN

It’s a balancing act, the subtle art of seductive bribery.

TIM

Shut up, you. I know you tried it at least once, so you know how hard it is, not feeling like you’re leading people on and still getting whatever info Jon wants. Respect the art. Anyways, the chief came in right as she finally got around to copying the papers and… turns out it can look pretty incriminating when you're flirting with someone to illegally obtain confidential files and their boss walks in.

MELANIE

My God. I miss out on all the fun stuff. I was just gonna walk over there around 5 and see if I could slip in the back, pick through the evidence lockers.

MARTIN

I miss it too.

TIM

...Yeah, well, times change. Doubt I could even convince Tony to give me publicly available arrest records now.

MARTIN

[UNDETERRED] And- and the pranks Sasha would pull on Jon? All those scam emails and weird links to joke sites, and he fell for every one. I can't believe he never caught on that it was her.

TIM

Yeah, I took the fall for a lot of those. It certainly never would have occurred to him _you_ might be competent enough to pull it off. Trust Jon not to notice that the most I can do with a computer is set up a half-decent website. No hacking from me.

MELANIE

...Website programming, though?

TIM

Eh, misguided attempt at impressing a college boyfriend. Thought he'd stick around longer if I proved I was just as nerdy as him, not just some preppy jock. Guess I was still just too hot for him.

MELANIE

Yeah you are.

MARTIN

Honestly, I think that's why Jon still has us committing crimes the old-fashioned way. We might not be as good as Sasha, but he's basically living in the 50s.

MELANIE

Yeah, I saw his phone the first time I came in. Does it even have a camera?

MARTIN

Yes, but based on the quality when he tries to send me pictures of statements, not a good one.

TIM

Seriously. Original iPhone quality. Can’t make out a word on the most legible ones.

MELANIE

Basically one step up from his piece of junk recorder, then.

MARTIN

Yeah, basically. The most he can do is record statements to his laptop, but I think since he knows the real statements don’t record easily, he’s decided the whole endeavor is worthless. Tape recorders, brick phones, and felony trespass it is.

MELANIE

Hang on a minute. Do the documents corrupt?

TIM

...Yeah, more or less. I spent a lot of time— I mean, a lot— right when he started, trying to clean up the digital files. They get real distorted, lots of nasty static.

MELANIE

So basically what happened to my video of Sarah. And he took that as evidence I was lying?

MARTIN

That’s not totally fair, it was early in the theory—

TIM

Yeah, sounds about right. Pre-Prentiss Jon was a dick about that kind of thing.

MELANIE

Oh my GOD. The hypocrisies continue!

[DOOR CREAKS, FOOTSTEPS]

TIM and MELANIE

Oh, God/Jesus.

MARTIN

Speak of the devil!

MELANIE

No, y’know what, I’m heading out. See you either when I successfully escape with a file and a hot cop date, or when you’re bailing me out.

TIM

Hopefully with Institute money, I’ve learned the hard way we don’t get paid enough to cover bail.

MELANIE

What?

TIM

Bye now.

MARTIN

Be safe, Melanie!

MELANIE

Yeah, yeah, I’ll do my best. Bye. Bye, Jon, thanks a lot.

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

ARCHIVIST

What was that all about?

TIM

Nothing. Go microwave your tea.

[ARCHIVIST GRUMBLING, FOOTSTEPS]

TIM

[UNDER BREATH] Tenner says she gets caught.

MARTIN

Noooo, I’m rooting for her! She deserves a nice date.

TIM

Martin, trust me, unless there’s been some significant turnover she’s not gonna find anyone over there who’s quite her speed.

MARTIN

Fair point. I’ll take that bet, though. She does have experience.

TIM

She does have that.

ARCHIVIST

What are you betting on?

MARTIN

Nothing! Nothing.

TIM

[OVERLAPPING] Don’t worry about it, Boss. Nothing to do with you.

[FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTTING]

TIM

I’ll add another 5 if she calls Jon or Elias to bail her out instead of one of us, just to be petty.

MARTIN

You’re on.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Shoutout if you catch the callback(s?) to Melanie's first episode.


End file.
